Does anyone else feel completely exhausted by the one thing we’re supposed to do for ourselves to combat feeling exhausted? I’m talking about self-care. Lately, and for a while, I’ve been experiencing what I like to call ‘self-love fatigue’ and I wonder if it’s a real thing, or whether I’m alone?
I believe in taking time out for ourselves, I really do – saying no, taking a sabbatical from social media or having a bath – whatever our self-care looks like – it’s so important. But sometimes I neglect it and then I feel guilty about it – getting in a tailspin of thoughts just like these ones. I recently got a smart watch that tracks steps, sleep and also reminds me every 120 minutes to have a drink of water. Every time it prompts me to reach for the H2O – and I fail to – it makes me feel like shit. Then it tells me I’ve been sedentary for too long – and I feel like smashing it to pieces. Even though I got it purely for those reasons.
What’s my fucking problem?
I want to be better but I also want to be left alone. I want to be in the best mental space I can possibly be yet I can’t be arsed to put in the work. I’m in a mental rut but I’m also hopeful and trying to be upbeat – and all of this just tells me I’m currently at war with myself – and will I ever not be two sides of an argument, tussling forever in this brain box of mine?
But self care? It makes perfect sense but it’s also hard to maintain as often as we should. I don’t have children to dominate my time so it seems laughable that I would suggest I don’t have any. I have nothing but – but… maybe I need an alarm to remind me to stop avoiding myself and my own needs.
Maybe I need to start from scratch on the self-love front – perhaps it really does all start with a face mask and half an hour in the bathroom with a scented candle. Maybe it’s as simple as not calling myself an idiot on here and trying to shed the guilt. Where does all the guilt come from?
I don’t know what the answer is but I’d like to find it. I’ve vowed to get my nails into shape as my first project and so far so good – maybe success at this will make the rest of it snowball.
Hag in a Black Leather Jacket 
I relate to this a lot. I find the balance between letting myself exist and pushing myself to do better very difficult to accomplish. I can’t imagine I’ll want to look back in 20 years and realize all I’ve done is watch (even really good) Netflix shows, but I know there are times when I push myself without recognizing I need some time and space to breathe. It’s frustrating to have the feeling it never ends or requires less energy to make it (sort of) work.
Personally I’m planning to do a lot of cooking and enjoying holiday lights…and whatever horribly cheesy Christmas films we can track down, of course.
LikeLiked by 1 person